Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Bryan's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, December 5th, 2009
2:40 pm	Neglected LJ and myself. I'm not going to bother explaining the last part of the title, so I won't. what a time for me to blog huh..the year is so close to being over with, yet it's so far away. I guess time begins to fly when you get older and your life becomes busy. Well where to start. I think the last blog was when my cousins came to visit their grandmother this summer. They were fun. Well remember when I was taking that class in order to be able to graduate? Well it seems like I never "applied" for graduation. So this whole time I've been working at a lawyers office (internship, unpaid) and at JCPenny (part time). I thought I was done with school and was waiting on my diploma all this time. So anyway I drove with my mom on a rainy ass day to columbia in order to get my graduation set up. So I think I'm alright now...I hope. sigh.. In order news, nothing has been going on with me. I started playing online RPGs again and making some online friends. I play a free to play online game called Luna Online. Don't ask me why I started to play it but it kills the boredom and takes me away from reality after work and all. After all, I don't do anything else nor want to go anywhere. In the end, I can still talk to people but I am the same shy guy who keeps to himself lol. But yes I have been working, finally....JcPenny decided to hire me as part time and seasonal along with this internship with a mentor of mine in high school. Him and his assistant have been fabulous. He just started here in Orangeburg not too long ago...maybe 2 years ago, but I love working there even though there is no pay. You learn so much by just listening and dealing with the files. Makes me more motivated to become a lawyer.....and speaking of becoming a lawyer, I am going to take that LSAT next year but I haven't been studying.... Simply because I have too much financial baggage and I just can't focus on anything. So as a wrap up: I'm still single, still broke, still uninsured, still at home with my mom, still playing PC games, not jobless...for now.., learning a lot as far as law, overtired, haven't been going to church or praying and maturing greatly but failing at the same time. Nothing really special. After all, I'm just a grain of sand in a big hour glass called "earth". Oh well, it is what it is. *ends* Current Mood: blank (Comment on this)
Wednesday, July 22nd, 2009
10:57 pm	Slow to blog, fast to fall... I know that I haven't been blogging lately so I'm taking the time to do this blog now while I watch Drop Dead Diva on Lifetime with my three little cousins. Yeah, Drop dead diva....it's not as bad as it sounds I guess lol.   So I've been pretty lately with school and school and being in debt. Lol..yeah, I've been in debt. Sadly, I've been a little overwhelmed~~well, not a little. I've literally been so depressed that I just wanted to quit everything, go out and find any type of work just to make money....ANY kind of work. I've been giving a whole bunch of fake smiles and all, especially to my cousins who are here from Texas, visiting their grandmother. The whole time, I've just been....frustrated because of the fact that not only myself by my mom is also in debt PLUS we got some problem with some fucked up company that my mom got money from. Now they are taking her to court in order to get that money. Such a great company, that company...fuck you stupid company, I hope you and the fucked up lawyer you hired go take a shit and die on the toilet while sucking out the poison from your fucking mother's vagina you pussy eating shitheads... ^__^...whoops.   Anyway, I just wanted to say that I went to church with my cousins and my mom and I sat there and listened. You see, there was a series going on called “Reflections” and the theme of the sermon was to Reflect God and to make people see my reflecting God. The other day, the youngest kid cousin(4) backed up to her older sister (9) and when that happened, the older sister's head slammed into the chair arm. The youngest cousin was oblivious to what she did and the older sister started to hide her face and start crying, because of course that would hurt like hell. So after the mood and the atmosphere changed, especially because the youngest one STILL didn't notice what she did, I told the girl who was talking to me to “leave me alone”. She called me mean and said, “I thought you were nice and cool but you're mean” and proceeded to try and beat me up in my shoulder. I didn't think about it then because I was more concerned with the situation at hand, but when I got home I laid in bed and thought out it. I woke up and looked at the man in the mirror and he looked angry with soulless, sad eyes. I sank deeper into my self pity and I didn't even go visit my cousins last Saturday. I felt worthless because I have no job, I already have low self esteem and I feel so helpless. Sure I've looked for a job, but no one wants to hire a part time person. I fucked up in one of my classes so I'm taking two classes because I don't have the money to pay for one class. Sounds crazy right? One class is $1130+ without any financial aid bu two classes are $2300+ with financial aid, so the balance became $524 or something like that. Anyway, I saw that my problems in my head were leaking out a lot. I just never wanted to be bothered at all, ya know...just wanted to be left alone...sulking in my own pile of crocodile tears. Cry me a river, I know. So anyway after I went to church on Sunday, I realized that I not only was not representing God, but I wasn't representing myself in any way, shape or form. I was the opposite...I was the little boy back when I was 10 – 19. I felt like shit. For some reason,this all started when I was in Florida visiting my grandparents and my cousins..they have money, a nice life, two cars, a garage, a pool....a comfortable middle class life, but all of them are as miserable as hell. ALL of them. My grandmother and grandfather argues a lot about NOTHING, my cousin is selfish as hell plus a bit disrespectful, and my smaller cousin is just soaking all of this in, craving attention and whining when she doesn't get what she wants—She's very smart but she takes up everything around her. For instance, I can remember one arguing time when my little cousin did something and my grandmother was literally shouting verbal abusive comments towards her. BTW, this isn't the first time my grandmother has done it. She did it to me and my mother as well, so I suspect that she did the same to all of the children. After all, she has said in front of me and my little cousin, “I don't like children.” Anyway back to the story, when my little cousin said, “I hate being in this nasty stinking world!!!” out loud and my grandmother got really upset. Anyway afterwards, my grandmother came into the room, giving my this story about how the child is and that it's the child's father fault, etc etc. I was so fucking disgusted with it all. I just wanted to get up, knock her into the fucking ground and stomp on her fucking face. Seriously. Just little instances like this just made me so irritable along with my previous concerns with debt, etc. But now I feel a lot better thanks to the church that I'm now going to thank goodness. God has provided a few temporary solutions but I will work with God in order to get to a better and permanent solution. Thank you God! I just needed to get this out of my head...Anyway take care. God bless, even if you aren't religious. Current Mood: refreshed (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, June 15th, 2009
8:27 am	Florida...oh Florida Well I'm in Florida and I am kinda alone today so I have the time to blog and get this crap off my mind so I won't make this too long.  I should have been back in South Carolina today but I decided to stay just a wee bit longer.  I'm enjoying myself a lot.  Everyone is acting normally (Including the arguments) and life is good, though inside, I'm heavily disappointed at the inside family politricks going on.  It's 'Cleckley BLVD' all over again (Cleckley blvd Orangeburg...where I used to live with my grandmother, grandfather, etc)  Only thing is that my little cousin who is living with them--Chenel-- is recieving the same damn fucked up treatment that I'm reciving.  Only difference is that she is a girl.  My so called childhood cries everytime I watch her.   She can't even open the damn fridge because she is being hollered at.   And seeing how much she is hollered at, it would only make sense that she would be scared to do anything in her own damn house...after all, I was certainly afraid when I was on the recieving end of the belt and piercing sharp ends of the insulting vocabulary used to show how much of a 'troublesome' child I was.  You know...words like, "I wish your mother would come get you" or something.  And she is a little chubby, like I was when I was--well...not really.  I was more fatter than she was. ...................I'll have to finish this later. I hear doors slamming and possibly this garage door opening.  I'm just glad to get the first part out of my mind.  I was about to commit lyrical murder in this house....Anyway later. (Comment on this)
Wednesday, May 20th, 2009
12:24 am	ugh... I won't waste my time/your time.  It's about culture...My culture... My family has been Americanized, so a lot of the langauge, food, culture, etc has been "watered" down.  There's no one to pass down anything as far as the Jamaican culture is concerned so I Want to embrace what I can...To be honest, America is a great place for education and business, but it culturally sucks.  I live in a flavorless society who feels that intellectual stimulation along with strong business sense is the epidemy of a civilized and cultivated culture that stands on top of the world.  Oh, this doesn't just mean America by itself, but also western european countries.  Everytime I leave from something "Jamaican" like music, food, or even people,  I end up being disappointed when I am around something that is...what's a good word.."Civilized". Gamer Rant: BTW you ignorant, racist assholes who play on Steam who play Killing Floor(USUALLY a good amount of white people--not a lot but almost always a white person)...Yeah,you losers who are mad because you decided to be a "hero" in a horde of Zombies and when you get fucking ripped by a big ass zombie, you complain and call people niggers, spics, spades, chinks, or anything else you can fucking think of out of you're pathetic little minds.  Don't cry when I don't heal you and just look at the zombie passing by you :)  Lawl.  They come on, beg for money, beg for healing, beg for protection, yet they don't do their fucking share of the work.  And they wonder how come a stupid flamethrower class like me is able to have a lot of money all the time.  You fail a life.  Go buy a spaceshuttle and send yourself into the sun, youworthless, piecesofshit (Yes, I know there are grammer errors :)...but that's the way I said it irl.) Anyway, take it easy.  End Rant log </rant> Current Mood: amused (Comment on this)
Tuesday, May 19th, 2009
11:45 pm	The Aftermath of the Brainstorm So I'm finally graduated...actually I graduated on the 9th of may but I didn't say anything to anyone else except those who I know irl and a small bit of online friends..like two of them.  I don't like to talk about myself much, but these two always have a way of making me talk about myself lol.   Anyway, my family did come.  I didn't invite my dad because of a lot of reasons, but we'll leave those behind.   My grandmother, grandfather (step), two cousins(two little cute girls), my aunt, and her friend.   Also, my mom's cousin, his wife, and my great grandaunt also came along with my grandaunt! It was a wonderful occasion.  Though the graduation was long and we had to sit through a boring speech, a bunch of frats and overactive families cheering for their graduate, and a random air horn that some how made it into the stadium where it was held, I was proud to walk across that stage, shake the President of the college, and my dean's hand.  I also saw a few of my professors there which was also nice as well, though one of them looked at me with the look that said, "I thought I failed that guy...".  go suck yuh fucking mother's bumboclat pussyhole, you bitch. But it's not all good news.  I am haboring a secret which only my mom knows and probably whoever else will know if they read this.  I took this history of russia class and got a D in it, which means that my graduation wasn't valid since it was part of the core classes that I needed to complete the course.  I knew this before graduation, so it's not new news to me.  Luckily, the problem has an antidote.  I just need to take one summer class in order to finish up the graduation.  We're not going to get our diplomas until August anyway, and I was planning on graduating in August ANYWAY, so it's not that much of a disaster...except for money.  See, I would have been in class already for this Maymester, BUT the course cost was a whooping $1230+.  In addition to that, financial aid couldn't help me because I was taking less than 6 hours of class (this class was three hours...6 hours would be considered 'part time enrollment').  So I missed out on this class, but i have another chance in Summer II, which is another semester of summer classes(e.g.- Maymester, Summer I, Summer II, Fall, Spring)  I figured I'd take two classes to see if this will help with the costs, but I'm just waiting to see what the financial aid office says....let's get off this subject. So my plan worked out fine!  I brought my family together and everyone enjoyed each other's company!  MY AUNT LOST WEIGHT, ZOMG.  Ignoring her huge breasts (Don't know why both her and my mom have big breasts...must be a family thing), she looks great and is the same as ever.  Thought I think she seemed a little depressed or something...I don't know.  I still remember my promise to take care of my mom, her, my brother, and some other people in the family.  I will NEVER give up, no matter how long it takes and as long as God gives me breath (Sorry if you're intellectually nonreligious, I know how offended you guys are at the mentioning of God.)  But I really enjoyed everybody's company.  My other cousin couldn't come though because his graduation was the night before mine, and they had to travel from florida.  My grandmother said that over 1200 or 1500 or something~~students were graduating and it went on for 5 hours it looked like because they were calling everybody's name.  But I'm going to see him at the end of the month because I plan to visit my grandparents in florida for a week.  Hopefully, there won't be any drama, lol...but I'm waiting on it.   Big up to my cousin. I have a lot more on my mind but because I'm done with undergraduate school, I can handle a little pressure since I'm technically going to be off for a year.  BTW, I slept soooooooooooooo much after my family left--From then, up until today.  Now my body clock is screwed up lol.  But this is all that's really going on for now.  I am worried about getting a job, taking LSAT classes, getting LSAT books, paying for my car, worring about bills, worring about my mom working so much, worrying about not having health insurance, worrying about paying for this class....just worrying about so much, but you know what...these problems are nothing compared to what I have gone through in life.  I can handle this because once again, God has shown me the way to victory.   I don't know how he does it, or if I have incredible luck, or an infinite amount of lives but I know I will prevail beacuse I believe in myself and know who I am, and most importantly...I am comfortable with who I am.   I used to be so spiteful of myself.  Suicidal thoughts, murderous intents to people living the "great life" in high school/middle school, etc etc.  Yeah, I guess you can say I could have been one of those school killers....I could have been...but I had two pillars of strength in my life that kept me above the water, God and my mom.  If it wasn't for them, I'd never be who I am today, I'd never experience any of these good and bad emotions, and most importantly, I wouldn't have been alive.   I'll never go out like a coward.   IF I experience anything, it's because I am alive, and that's all that counts :). Offnote  Gamer Geek random P.S. - I see an advertisement for "The Sims 3" coming out in June 2nd >_>....<_<...BOOTLEGGERS UNITE!...but I probably won't be able to play it unless I get a new computer lol.  Although my computer is a pretty decent gaming computer, I lag on certain high graphical games and it screws up my gameplay.....an example would be grand theft auto 4, which I could be playing ONLINE! and OFFLINE....but becaise they changed the way the map would be loaded, it requires a decent computer to play it.  Just a little Gamer geek rant here. sommavabeach (Comment on this)
Monday, May 4th, 2009
9:33 am	So much in such a little time... Man I forgot allll about LJ again.  I'm sorry, especially to myself.  I've been dealing with stress and stuff a lot better, but I'll put down as much as I can because I need to get this stuff out of my mind before I explode. Summary of events: -Not doing well in one of my classes...not as well as I would like -Had a rock from a dump truck fly into my windshield, so now I have a big 'ol crack in it. -Have not felt any loneliness for a long time, I believe I'm becoming more adapt to being by myself, which imo is a good thing -I'm graduating next weekend!~~ I hope! -My grandparents, aunt, cousin/brother, and another cousin is coming down to my graduation! Can you believe this?!...I think they just want to see it with their own eyes...or maybe they think they are obligated... -I've been called old by college freshmen -I have a class ring and am proud of it -I'm running out of money, got to find a job after I graduate!  Should be easier. On the graduation note,  I invited my father earlier in the year, but I didn't bother to remind him about the graduation.  I didn't because...well besides the fact that him and my grandmother don't like each other and I don't want drama, he has never been involved with my school life.   He never asked about school except twice and it wasn't even directly.  But my feelings aside, I don't want the drama because in reality, none of them really cared about me graduating except my mother and they only cared when I was actually IN college and older.  It's really a damn shame, but I'm over it.   My real goal in inviting family member is for them to come together in a small family reunion because we're all so distanced apart.  I couldn't care less otherwise...after all, I can't share the same memories, the same tastes, the same fights, nor the same anything culturally speaking.  I feel so damn removed from my heritage to the point where I wouldn't marry any other cultural person except Jamaican...I don't know.  I just don't want to lose that, ya know.  I'm not proud of my "Americaness" at the moment.  Like seriously, I don't like a lot of rock, in which so many Americans or white westerners do, I don't like a lot of rap, which is becoming slowly unpopular amongst black people--picked up by white teens, I don't care for salt and pepper seasoning on food nor unwashed meat when I'm cooking, I don't know.  There's nothing unique about being an American except for the fact that I can get good education and business opportunity--That's it.  There's no unique memories I can make.  I tell you what I do enjoy though(reference of being alone), I enjoy being a ghost.  You know, the person who is always watching others, keeping to themselves and randomly/rarely makes conversation with others around him, then disappear at the drop of a hat?  I really enjoy being that guy.  I don't know why...it just is.  I feel unique that way, like a hermit or like Batman, who suddenly became really popular for some reason.  Oh well.  Maybe something will happen that will change my life, but as of right now, I'm happy as I am--Alone, Free, and rid of uncessessary drama. ^_^ Why?   It gives me time to improve myself and become a better man who can think about anything and everything.    To sum this rant all up, perhaps I'm very selfish and only care about myself and ones close to me which is a handful, but I look at things like this.  I don't know of any people who are "LIKE" me, culturally speaking, especially where I live.  Therefore, I am denied the reality that is "Jamaican" except for when I am at home.  If I cannot have my cultural reality, then I reject "civilized" reality....besides...isn't that what these western countries refer to themselves as versus "Third world countries"?   To be honest, I don't see what's so civilized about the U.S, nor Europe except organized deception.... Bah, lemme stop ranting before I get targetted as a terrorist or something---oh wait...Bush isn't in power.   Oh well, I just want to stop ranting since I got the "major" details out my head...later. Current Mood: okay (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 19th, 2009
11:45 am	Settle yourself down--The world is yours... Weird title huh.  Well I put that title there for a reason.  You see, I'm very concerned about graduation and what I will be doing when I graduate.  You see, technically I have only ONE more class to take and I didn't bother to take it this year.  I don't know why...I just didn't feel the need to take it.  I went to see my advisor, Lindsey and she wasn't there, but the head in student success/advisement Melissa was there.  I usually go there to discuss academic problems and hints on how to solve them--this was certainly one of them.  I told her my concerns about graduation and wondered if they had any internet classes for the class that I needed since I figured I could just take it for the summer, but it wasn't available.   Then I asked if I could take it somewhere else and have it transferred, but she said that I needed to take my last 30 credits here unless I petition for it, which would be ridiculous.  So I figured I had to come back next fall for one damn class until she mentioned that I could just treat criminal justice as a cognate instead of a minor.  Confused?  A cognate is more like a minor that doesn't show up on your transcript but a minor shows up on your transcript.  See if I treated this as a cognate, then I wouldn't have to worry about graduating in fall.  Going to graduate from college in May!  Just got to get everything together! Yesss!!   But then I was struck down and all my enthuthiasm went down the drain.   She asked me what my plans when I graduated and I told her that I plan to work, but practice practice practice for the LSAT, which I haven't taken yet.  I also plan on taking a Kaplan course...for those who don't know what Kaplan is, it's a company that offers help for Standardized tests like the LSAT, GMAT, etc (Though they are expensive as hell, it's worth it if you want to achieve your dream).  Then she started to talk to me about having a backup plan...And I figured that it would be okay since I am really concentrating on getting to law school.  Well, she spent a whole ton of a time on backup  plans and told me to think about something else you may like---"Thinking realistically" she said.  She told me to think of something else to do with criminal justice like being a corrections officer or something.   She even told me how she wanted to be an elementary school teacher but it didn't work out and she was a counsellor now and she is very satisfied with her job.  She then sugar coated her depressive talk and said that I was a good student and that I should be proud with a B.A. and that I am going to be the first (or second...) to get a degree along with the fact that I am the first generation born her from immigrants to this country and some other stuff.  I got seriously down and started to doubt myself but instead of looking sad, I honestly got pissed off.   Now yes, I kept a cool head and all but I was so upset.  So I listened and "mhm/uh huh/I see.." etc.  I also noticed that she had a tough time saying these things.  Well when I left, I couldn't shake the upset feeling of failure, so I decided to talk to my mother and this other teacher I have named Teresa Clement.  BTW, she's a great Criminal Justice teacher.  She's a lawyer so she's not a professor but she is a defense attourney and her story is very interesting.  I'll post that another day but I've heard that story before and I have to say that it influenced me a lot.   When I talked to them, I was relieved to know that there are some people in my corner who actuallty WAS routing for me to go to law school.  Both of them said, "Don't listen to her because she failed and she wants to tell you to settle, you can do anything you want to."  My mother said that people are very 'badmind'--badmind is a jamaican term for people who are jealous or people who don't want to see you do the best they can or something along those lines. The lawyer told me, "when you get into law school, you go into that office, shake that lady's hand and say, 'thank you for lighting the fire under my feet, you bastard".  I laughed really hard and she told me not to say that...but that's what I was feeling.  I feel even stronger than I was before...who knew that I had such a strong desire. So I want to pass this message on to you.  Don't let ANYONE or ANYBODY or ANYTHING stop you from where you want to go in life.  It's not worth it to settle down and have someone tell you, "You've done enough...relax and enjoy the fruits of your labor although it may not be much."   no nononononononononononooo.  Don't ever listen to that, don't ever tell anyone that, and don't EVER give that 'friendly' advice to anyone, be it a student, stranger on the street, or whatever.  One door for you to realize your dreams may close up  and that pathway may unavailable to you but there is always a way to get whereever you need to go.  All it takes is for you to get on the ball, put some effort into it, and try your best.  Once people see how hard you are trying...no matter how many roads you take or how hard you fight, you will become whatever you want to be.  I firmly believe it.  I'm not going to think of a backup plan because I'm never going to give up.  I've fought all my life to get where i am...went through lots of 'badminded' people who wanted to see me fail so they can say, "I told you so", I've been extremely poor, mentally physically, and on the small occasion sexually abused (...not going to talk about this), I've been treated as the third heel, made fun of, everything...But still I rise...I used to think that I needed to prove myself to people who wanted to see me fail, but I now know that these pathetic people aren't important.  Why? Because I'm better than them.  I'm doing something right, bettering myself, and leaving them behind in the dust.  They aren't worth the blood, sweat and tears because these are reserved for people who are special and who do deserve praise, like my mother, the two lawyerish teachers I am talking to, and others who are in my corner.  So if you're reading this and you're down int he dumps or secretly living in shame or something, know that I am in your corner.  If there is nobody else for you to talk to or for you to release fustrations on, I'm here.  I'm making myself the example that can be bigger than even President Barack Obama himself, and you can do the same thing to.   I just needed to say that before I go to this class today.  Stay blessed, even if you're not religious and remember, anyone can take away your things, your money, your clothes, your car, or whatever, but they can't take away your spirit, intelligence, and your resolve.  Stay true to yourself and you will be shown the light! Haha, if you would have only heard the way I was thinking the last sentence...but all jokes aside.  I believe in me, therefore you need to believe in you.  Once you do that, then everyone will believe in you.  Oh yeah.  If you wished me a happy b-day on the 12th of this month, then thank you.  I'm getting younger everyday :). Current Mood: accomplished (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
9:18 pm	A new year! ....Wait..It's already here? Wtfbbq? Yeah I forgot about blogging but I guess I needed the break.  I got so much to blog about but I don't want to bore myself to death with long blog posts...so I'll unwind things as I go by..I guess.  Here's my update: So, my granduncle and grantaunt's son came with his wife and her sister this year.  It was really great to see them and I'm glad they are doing alright.  Also I got to see the oldest member of my family! She's 93 years old! I was so excited because I thought I'd finally have the link to my great grandmother that I always looked for and also to know where I come from because if you didn't know already...I'm actually heavily mixed...a dark skinned mixed guy...which makes me black. :) Well their time here was great.  I enjoyed spending time with them and them sharing their christmas spirit with me.  To be honest, I was afraid that they would be showing their damn "Everything is rainbows" facade...and it wasn't too apparent this time...meaning if they faked it, I wouldn't know.  In any case, I talked to my great grandaunt and man she still is all hopping around and everything--however I learned that she doesn't know much about family and especially about my great grandmother....But I did learn that I have german heritage on my mother's side so...that explains my mother's family's redboneness lol.  I now have "German" to add to the "Jamaican/British/Cuban/Scottish/Hispanic" heritage of myself.  But you know, I couldn't help but notice something wrong.   I was constantly asked to spend time with my cousin in law's sister which was strange because the amount of "pushing" that they did was abnormal.  Even my granduncle and grandaunt and my mother saw the signs that they were trying to hook us up...but why?  Is it because I am the way I am or something? I'm not "smooth" or "handsome" or "cute" or anything...I don't even have any noticable traits so why would they do something like that?  But I didn't want to assume anything so I just assumed that they just wanted me to be her friend or something...I mean they wouldn't be that demanding as to try and set me up with someone through such disgusting artifical means would that?  I mean---Don't get me wrong! She's a great looking girl! But for one...it's weird...she's like family...and two I'm not her type and she's not mine ^_^.   All the chivarlous..gentlemanly stuff such as opening a car door for the woman instead of opening the car door for herself is pretty annoying to me.  See my cousin and his wife do that sort of thing to each other and I think that she wanted the same thing her older sister has---I'm stupidly assuming.  Anyway my grandaunt and mom were picking at me a lot with it lol...  I don't get down with setups and plus I'm not into the boyfriend girlfriend thing...I've yet to learn what love is and forcing it on me ain't going to work.  I'll just percieve the wrong way.  When the time comes for love, I'll handle it myself...Bah..let's move on.. But I really enjoyed all their company.  It was nice to see my great grandaunt may my cousin in law's sister again!  I hope they come back! ^_^ So fast forward through the new year, and our new President of the United States, PRESIDENT BARACK OBAMA!!~~~~here I am in school again.  This is technically my last real semester here with this many classes. I just have one more to take.  But yeah here  I am.  I don't have all my books yet ...I locked myself out the house yesterday...ugh...I'm starting off kinda bad although I am trying.  But oh well...I'll just have to work harder this semester.   Oh yeah, before I forget...New Years Resolutions...You know I didn't make any and only one person asked me about new years resolutions which was a friend online who I rarely talk to.  I dunno why....I already went over this in other posts in the past..But I guess things are fine as they are.  I guess the only thing I can do is be the best man I can be...After all...I'm not going to law school directly after this year because I didn't take my LSAT yet...BUT I WILL be practicing and practicing and practicing when  I am out of school with a full time job in the mean time...until then...All I can do is try my best but I will take it as slowly but effectivly and quickly as possible.  I won't stand to be stuck in a rut like people expected me to be when I was in middle school and high school...I'm going to give it my all.  No one was able to stop me when I started college and surely no one can stop me now except God and myself.  How am I so sure of this?  Well on the inaguration day for President Obama, it started to snow a little bit....just a little bit...And for South Carolina...That itself means that there is going to be a change.  You can count on it. Stay blessed, Bryan Current Mood: hopeful (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, December 22nd, 2008
2:33 pm	Perceptions----A lesson learned. So I actually got 2 A's, a B and a C. Not too bad at all, though I know I could have done better.  Worked really hard this semester, especially with my senior seminar and with Japanese...the two best classes that I have taken besides the easy ones with the easy teachers.    I'm so happy and satisfied with myself---until I look into the future and tell myself, "Now...you barely have a background with weak grades and you haven't even practices much with the LSAT yet...no job......just what are you going to do man?" ....sigh...And even as a senior, I Still am too proud to ask for help even though I recognize my problems.  Anyway...all issues aside... Pay attention to the title and the story I have to tell...Actually, this is probably a bit long so if you have something else to do, then you should do it. You'll probably get bored after this but I really...REALLY neeed to put this down for myself. I went to church for the first time in years yesterday---a church called "Cornerstone Community Church".  My mother started to go to this church and she loves it, so she begged me to go with her because it's a Christmas special.  Normally, I don't care about Christmas because I hate it for my own personal reasons (It's the people..) but I decided to go to make her happy and smile...and I also felt like I was going to enjoy myself if my mom enjoyed herself as well.   Well I thought I had to dress up and everything and my mom told me that jeans and a decent shirt would be fine....Wait?!  Jeans and a regular shirt?  For some odd reason, I became excited at the thought of going to a church that didn't care about the way you dressed.  A church that sounds like it was living up to its name...but I was still under the assumption that it was going to be a quiet, old person church.   As we got to the parking lot, I looked around at how the people were dressed and there was a mixture of casual to over dressed....white people. It felt like I was in Columbia again at USC...being the only black person in class again.  Well when we actually got to find a parking space, I saw this black family come out of a van with their children and I actually smiled a bit.  Not because there was a black person there but because my mother and I weren't going to be the ONLY black people there. AS I walked up with my mother towards the building, I remembered how this parking lot used to be Winn Dixie.  Yeah, it was a supermarket turned church, but what also caught my eye was that there were young AND old people actually helping direct people to parking lots.  In my mind, I'm like "What the hell is going on?  2 groups of diversity? There has got to be something wrong here...I bet there is some sort of separation here."  Besides, I was so used to it from school and previous churches (either majority white or majority black) after giving my greetings to the people holding the doors open, I was suddenly deafened by a pleasurable sound. I went into the building and saw a lot of people standing around in the big lobby area....and everyone was standing around, talking before service started.  I glanced over at my mother who was in front of me and looking around and saw her eyes orgasming in delight.  My mother is 49 years young but she suddenly glowed like a 19 year old freshman turning 24---If this makes any sense at all.   I couldn't hear anything over the laughter and I couldn't see anything due to the pearly white smiles of people.  No, not just one group of people.  White, black, the few Asians, some Hispanics--- the poor, middle, middle high class---Baptist, Methodist, Episcopalian, even some agnostics (I recognized some people unfortunately which is why I was able to point it out.); There were allllllll sorts of people there (Yes, I know...my sentence structure here sucks.)  I even saw this awesome play area for the kids there--like some kinda babysitting center and it made me feel like I wanted to become a kid again to play inside of it with the other kids.  I shifted through people like I was playing football in the neighborhood again, following my mother to what looked like an auditorium for a small concert or something.  When I saw people sitting down in the chairs and the choice selection of the music that was playing, I suddenly realized that we were inside of the actual place of worship and were waiting for service to start. My mother led us a bit close to the front.  On the way to our seats I saw something that I have rarely seen in Orangeburg which might seem silly to you...but I saw everybody actually sitting together.  Of course, my mother chose a row with empty seats and everything, but there were a lot of rows like that---besides, everyone was outside talking with each other and expressing best wishes for Christmas.  My mother told me to fill out a card so that I could be a new member and without realizing it, I already did it.  I wondered why I unconsciously did it after sitting down.  My mom saw the card already filled out and smiled at me.   I took notice of the many amounts of televisions around the room.  I forgot to mention that there was a good bit around the lobby area as well.  Anyway I looked at the stage and saw these people standing up, prepping themselves with base and electric guitars, a keyboard, drums, and about 3 singers.  The television showed a countdown as to when the service would start.  And as soon as the countdown finished, my ears shook as if I was playing dancehall reggae in my car, which is still in the shop.  What was it? It was the sound of some sort of soft rock....something like Christian Soft rock or something. I usually don't like rock, but for some reason this assortment of players actually had some rhythm---I guess I can attribute this to USC for making me a bit diverse in music with all the amounts of rock, country, rap, r&b, etc. Anyway, it was some very nice music.  It reminded me of those evangelical shows...like...ahh what's that guy's name...He turned a basketball arena into this chur---JOEL OLSTEEN or something.  I just remembered.  Anyway, I clapped hands and rocked side to side with mom, watching all the other people dancing around a little bit and watching others standing as stiff as a board.  After the songs were over, some guy came on stage.  I didn't know who the hell it was but to my amazement it was the pastor.  He was as dressed down as I was...Well not that bad.  He had a green turtleneck with a plaid shirt loosely buttoned and some khaki pants.  My mother said to me "Oh, he's not wearing jeans today."  SO I listened and took down notes and stuff and was amazed at what he said.  One of the things that struck me was this lesson on Christianity.  He said that when it comes to young adults, they tend to look at Christians in a negative light.   He also said that he read this book called "UnChristian".  He summarized what he read in the book and basically said that people had a couple of definitions for what is Christian.  He said that according to 19 - 28 years olds, according to the studies that the authors of this book conducted, think that Christians are: -Anti Homosexual -Too political -Judgmental and pious about it -Hypocritical -Concerned only with converting others -Sheltered To sum it all up, he basically said that the young people (My age group and older/younger) who will be the next generation think that Christians are hateful people.  He also said that he barely uses the word Christian if we noticed (of course, I wouldn't know that...) but the word he uses is "Christ Follower" because that is what Christians are, followers of Christ.  He also said that many people love to claim the word "Christian" and that the word is so loosely used.  He has a point ya know...It's like the word "Love".   Love can mean anything. Parental love, family love, friendly love, romantic love, the love for an object, love for an action, love that isn't true...etc.  It's so loosely used.  Same with Christian.  Some people believe a Christian simply believes in God, some people believe a Christian is someone who shuns all "evil", etc.  I'll give you the perfect examples of someone claiming to be Christian when they aren't. : -You know how you have people who do every type of wrong in life, but then go to church then come out of it saying "I'm a Christian", then go out and do those wrong things over and over again...Hypocritical. ] -Saying that because God says in the bible that a man should not sleep with another man (woman to woman) since it is an abomination, therefore homosexuality is a horrible sin that Christians should not involve themselves into if they love God.  Well then explain why there are homosexual, pedophillia oriented priests.  Also explain why we have the right to judge homosexuals?  Judgmental along with Anti-homosexual.  I'm not saying everyone should become homosexual but another person's business is not my business nor will it affect me. -I can't tell you how many people look at republicans and refer to them as hardcore Christians who are too political (Aka, Barack Obama is a terrorist/devil/negro aka nigger/Muslim/etc and therefore he will throw this country into ruin) and as sheltered people (This part goes for everyone actually...not being open minded about things and beliefs).  I don't need an example for this. Anyway the service ended with a group of small children singing some songs which was really nice and they were very cute up there.  Made me want to go out and have children lol.  So we left with a good feeling in our hearts. Yeah, I know...A bad ending but I got tired of typing, hehe.  I mainly wanted to spread what I learned that day...like salt.  Yes, we learned about how salt spreads and change the flavor and preserves things...And in this way I want to act like "Salt".  After all, we "are the salt of the earth".  I think I've finally found my church and will be attending it.   Oh yeah, it didn't take long either.  They have two morning services so if you miss one, you can attend the other and if you miss those, you have afternoon service.  Service is generally an hour I believe but I like the church.  I was able to relax and be comfortable in regular clothing without being judged...which brings us back to the title...Perceptions which was the title of the sermon yesterday.  You can see what my perception was...highly negative but as the pastor, who joked about people saying that he doesn't look like a pastor said, "We tend to go by hear say or by how people look or what something looks like, but we always find out that the person is totally different once you get to know them."  Let the truth be known.  Stay blessed, even if you are agnostic/atheist/etc. Current Mood: happy (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 11th, 2008
9:54 am	I should be studying and getting last minute notes down...but.. I decided to visit Youtube today to look at some music vids to help me calm my anxiety down...Well as a result, I came across this video by Morgan Heritage...You probably don't know who that is...It doesn't matter.  I like it because it speaks the truth and I can seriously relate to it.. And people ask me why I don't like to smile...This is my inspiration to do well today... Current Mood: mellow (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
10:54 pm	sighs... I did say I was going to make a blog today but I really am tired.  I'll do this tomorrow when I have the time to do it between classes but for the past few weeks, I've been under so much fustration with these random events happening....Might as well do the blog now. My transmission gave up on me...took two weeks for the guy to fix it..it got fixed, went on I-26 to go to class on monday and as soon as I hit 80..BAM..the fucking transmission goes out on me and now I'm stuck in what looks like the third gear doing 80 mph...My engine looked like it was about to overheat so I went on the side to restart my car...I wanted to believe the transmission didn't mess up on me again and what happens....I can't move the car because the transmission is shit again..I get towed back (free of charge thanks to AAA) and took my car back and it looks like something broke on the transmission again.  IT was $2k the first time....that's right..$2,000 but this time it's under warranty so it's free of charge to fix............................shit..  So now I'm stuck borrowing my granduncle's car again...the big ass Lincoln....and on Tuesday my grandaunt calls our house, right?  And I'm about to go to sleep because I'm tired as hell and happy that I Got my presentation to a community of older black people out the way---I really enjoyed their reactions...made me believe in older people again--that is until my grandaunt calls.  Anyway I pick up the phone and I'm like "'ey auntie, how yuh do?"  and she's like "I'm alright, where is your mother?"  So I gave my mom the phone and went to my room to jump in bed.  My mom comes in the room and sits down and is like "So auntie wants us to return the car because she got a letter in the mail saying that it may catch on fire"  And the way she said it was like she was REALLY angry so naturally I'm a bit upset that she's angry.  So I Asked her when she wanted me to take the car in and she said that my grandaunt said "ASAP".  I don't know what happen. I just got so phhucckkkinngg (yes, say it as I typed it because I said it in patois but it's a translation lol..)  upset because look...I've been around longer than that car. I came to SC in 1990 and my granduncle got that car in 1992, meaning it's like almost 17 years old.  so NOW all of a fucking sudden a letter in the fucking mailbox fucking makes my grandaunt so "concerned" about me driving on the road?  You see, there are so many problems with what my grandaunt has told me because we know that she is a habitual....no it's not even habit anymore....We know that lying is a part of her nature. You see, a while ago my mom said that her friend's car is in the shop because of the same problem i have...which is a transmission problem.  So it looks like the friend may need a ride or two or something so I'll bet anything that my grandaunt offered her husband's car to the woman to look good as a "friend" I bet...How did I come to this conclusion? IF you care, then follow me with this.: 1. So my mother tell me how my grandaunt told her about the letter.  She said that she got on the phone and told her about it and my mom is like "Well how is Bryan going to get to school? He has a lot of stuff to do this week, auntie?"  She said that she just sat their quiet on the phone.   So my mom asked her when she needed the car back and she said "As soon as possible because she has to make an appointment"..............IF there is a recall on a car, don't they schedule appointments themselves?.....Anyway moving on....My mom got very upset that she was SOOO quiet on the phone when she kept on asking and saying "How is he going to get to school?  He can't use my car because my car has problems and it almost broke down on him before."  So she said my grandaunt did that shrugging type of sound like "Iono/Idunno".  So she said that she'd talk to her later and hung up the phone.....Utter bullshit here because knowing her, she would have been MORE concerned about ME than the car.  Also she would have told me to my own damn ears.  she would have told me that a letter came in the mail, etc etc.  Why? Because I'm the one in danger here, not my mom! I'm the one driving the rahtid car. 2.  My mom called my granduncle on the road--He's a Truck driver.  She told him about the letter and all and asked if my grandaunt told him and he said "No, she didn't tell me anything"  Then he told my mom, "Don't worry about it. I've got those letters a long time ago and I've been driving the car for a long time, so don't worry about it.  Tell Bryan to just drive the car and don't pay any attention to [insetgrandauntnamehere]" This brings me back to my point about the car being there for over 15 years!  All of a sudden this "letter" suddenly pops up?  BTW, I forgot to mention in the first part....My grandaunt suddenly didn't know the name of the car. EVERYONE knows the car as "The Big Lincoln" because it's as it says...a big lincoln town car.  But suddenly she's like "...letter in the mail about the car over there."  Now my mom asks her "You mean Bryan's car? But it's in the shop? How am I going to get it when it can't drive?"..She asks her that because my car is actually in my grandaunt's name and I am the co-signer.  Then my grandaunt is like, "No, you know that car over there..."  and my mom figures out that it's the lincoln she's talking about...But yeah, suddenly the car is about to catch on fire because the letter says so...just around the time when her friend's transmission ALSO gets busted. 3.  After my mom called my granduncle, she calls my grandaunt back and tells her that we spoke to my granduncle about the car and he said that I could drive it.  My mom said she got really upset and shouted, "WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BOTHER THE MAN SO MUCH WHEN HE IS ON THE ROAD, INSERTMOMNAMEHERE!! GOODBYE!!!" and hung up the phone...I can't tell you how upset I Got.  I had to literally censor myself with "Effing" and "Whatsitnot" lol.  Why was I angry?  Because that's not her style at all.  Supposedly, she's always concerned about my safety.   But this time, the main character who is driving the car, me, is ignored.  You see...she usually would have said "But the car may burn up/break down on him.." or something to that affect.  She would be very considerate in the way she spoke and would show concern because we all know the lincoln has problems...I especially know that because it shut off on me at the stop light by Maurice's BBQ chicken place 4 times this week already, but she didn't do that this time.  She gets irrationally upset for no apparent reason and I can't think of any other reason besides her age or her being the liar that she and her family is. This woman really hurt my feelings but then  quickly realized that I was getting too soft on my family members because many of them helped me out with rental cars.  This is why I felt that she wanted to let her friend borrow the car and make me miss my classes.  She wanted me to fucking miss my skit for wednesday, essay for today, and quiz for tomorrow because of her selfish pride.  But maybe I'm jumping to conclusions or something, I don't know.  Everyday is a busy day this week and I may not look it but I really want to go kick down a tree right now.  Monday  I missed my first class when I drove the car and broke down but made it to my second class thanks to the lincoln..Tuesday was my presentation to one of the many communities that got their houses destroyed by USC, Columbia, and even the Federal government as far as funding.   Then Tuesday night happens, skit wednesday..wait  I said this already..  anyway...That's pretty much what happened so far... I suppose my only times of joy was when our class presented our findings to that community and we saw the joy on their faces to know who their enemies were at that time because they were lost in the whole thing and again when a woman I know was telling me about her cake being missing but the pan being found in the sink and again today when I Found out that I would have no more quizes and will only be taking two finals this semester.  Gotta savor the good times and shit out the bad, ya know...  Anyway I'm out.  I'm laughing at a ladybug that has actually sat on my arm and seems to be trying to eat it.  It doesn't hurt but it's funny not because it tickles...but because it actually turned and looked up at me and it just flown off to the ceiling.  Yes, my house is infested with ladybugs and there's nothing we can do about it.  They don't harm anything or land on food or anything but it IS a pain in the ass to clean their dead bodies up off the floor after either stepping on them without knowing it or them dieing to dehydration or to a broken leg or whatever.  (yeah one died to a broken leg the other day...it wouldn't stop hopping on its back and it looks like it's nervous system was all fucked up.)  Anyway I'm out...later.  Stay blessed and thanks for reading whoever. Current Mood: productive (Comment on this)
Monday, October 27th, 2008
11:30 pm	A deterrant for love...I'll renew my "No love" contract for another 20 years now. So I found this poem in japanese class the other day.  Very interesting...dark and seemingly incomplete...Just thought i'd share it. Fuck You by Unknown (actually unknown) I hate my life! No one cares about my fucking soul Where and with what breath of hope For non shall save me from my own hell My  misery murders any such liberty So I fear this pain buried deep within A tortured rhythm tearing at my chest Over and over again! I know my pain as I know my lies And my pain knows me by my eyes Pain bred of want and desire Pain fed by self-pity and hate I hate myself and I hate my desires For them, for men, for loving him Why did I love him! God I can't make this pain steal away As has my love for him since strayed But who the fuck cares anyway What I write or what I have need to say You don't understand love That fucking hateful word But I do! Did you desire it in desperation and in need? Growing up, crying, and crawling on your knees And that's it...Like I said I don't know who wrote this but...I suppose they have a point here.  I don't understand love and with this poem, I fear it even more.  No time for the drama, more time for myself.  Just wanted to share what I found on the floor.  Later. (Comment on this)
Friday, October 10th, 2008
2:37 am	Hey, go suck your F$()#in mother.. Haha, heck of an opening huh :).....So yeah back to this family thing.  I mean to blog last night.  So check this out. There's a bit of heated angry thing going on between my grandaunt and her family members. Seems like my great grandmother's sister is living with my grandaun't son.  That's a good thing right? Well...seeing as it's my family, it's never a good thing. I suppose the angry hurt thing comes with the fact that my grandaunt was lied to or something.  See, her son and wife said they could come visit but they ended up changing their minds at the last minute.  Apparently, she caught on pretty easy to what she called a lie and got suspicious but held high hopes on being surprised or something.  What I mean is this...she had this awesome watermelon there....she bought it like....4 weeks ago now..a month I believe.   It's already in the trash.  She bought it for her son because she was very excited at the fact that they were coming to visit..I mean there is always that excitement right?  Well the poor thing ended up saving the watermelon for 2 or 3 weeks, hoping he would come down.  It was safe to advise her not to wait because of that watermelon. Too bad it was already spoiled.  What a waste of watermelon =(. Less importantly, I don't know what to make of these family issues.  I personally don't care...To be emoishly and brutally honest, I really don't give a crap.  It's a good thing I'm good at reading body langauge and voice tones....So my cousin (my grandaunt's son) calls my moms cellphone and they talk and all....then my mom calls me to the phone.  Man I was busy doing more important things at the time but i figured I'd be respectful to my mom.  Boy what so many people in this family don't know about what I would say to them in person if it wasn't for my mom...don't let the smile fool you family members.   Anyway, my great grandaunt...my beloved great grandmother's ....sister(notice how I separated my beloved great grandmother from sister) comes on the phone and is like "Oh, do well in school, keep God first" etc etc.  During the conversation she says, "Ohhh, you know I'm living with your 'uncle' Rayymondd you know."  In reality I was like, "So fucking what?" but in honor of my great grandmother and in the respect of my mother, I didn't say it.  I congratuated her move and asked her if she liked it and she said that it was quiet and she liked it.  I'm actually glad to hear something a little positive although I Think she told me to see what I would say.  She was like, "Yeah it's nice to be around family.." this and that.  So she says, "I hope to see you soon" and I laughed.  I laugheddddddd a laugh that was secretly demeaning to anyone with sense and I believe she picked it up.  She said in a monotone voice "Heh, you laugh."  and I said, "Yeah.." So to make a long story short, I  was asked to call my cousin who has kidney stones and e-mail my cousin's wife's sister to keep in touch.  Not like I can't see a setup going on in which, I swear they don't know vengence if I am.  My mom has a philosophy about people who smile and laugh all the time (Me).  She feels they are dangerous because if you get shot by them, they will still laugh and walk off.  ~_~...now you know where  I get the body reading skills from lol.  But let's drop the violent thoughts thing.  I need to finish ranting with a clean head.. So..Why am I obligated to call or contact people for the sake of "family"? These are the people who ignored the fact that I exist. In fact they didn't want anything to do with me.  They force family members on you like you are supposed to get used to them and know them for the sake of family members.   Don't they understand that I don't really give a (cuss) ..............23 to (cuss) late you (Serious rahtid cussing here).  You know my "uncle" or better yet my mom's cousin said something interesting.  He said I am the next generation of this family.  This family, that never recognized me until I was in college...better yet at a UNIVERSITY!   I'm sooo sick, so sick.  Again i'm soooo sick and tired of this "obligation thing".   As I will usually say, "Mi nuh beg friend an family. Mi nuh wan handout or sweet wata" Meaning, I don't need friends or family to survive in life.  Though it would be nice, I prefer friends over family at the moment.  As martial artists would probably tell them, "You have too many uncessessary movements."  I don't owe anyone anything nor do they owe me anything.   But you know..deep down in my heart...everyone is using everyone. I'm just going to come out and say it.  My great grandaunt is probably using my cousin and his wife for whatever she has planned, they are probably using her for maybe some money or something, My grandaunt is probably upset...not only because she remembers all the bad things my great grandaunt did to her and probably had investment thoughts as well.  Word is my great grandaunt has "Money".  I don't believe that woman has money, and if she did, she ain't giving anything to any of them or us or anyone so i won't be surprised if they are disappointed.  After all, most of the people in this family are weasels anyway.  Fox faced weasels. I'm out. Listening to fast paced music and it's having the wrong influence on my emotion. *drops the 'mic' while trying to control anger* Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: Madd- Leftside aka Mr. Evil (Comment on this)
Friday, October 3rd, 2008
4:41 pm	I can't hear my thoughts...am I mentally deaf? I was reading this manga called "Real"...It's a manga about the lives of three guys...maybe four now...who are disabled some how.  3 are in wheel chairs and 1 just has really bad luck and is a drop out.  He can walk.  Anyway, the main theme of this manga is basketball...but that's not why I'm mentioning this.  There was a scene where one of the persons in the wheel chair was with his father who he was spending time with.  You see, he used to be the captain of a high school basketball team...he was really disrespectful and looked down on others.  One day after basketball practice, him and some girl or something decided to steal this guy's bike.  He ended up riding it into the middle of the street where he got hit by a truck and is unable to walk for the rest of his life.  Throughout all his drama and self realization as well as pitying himself, he is spending time with his dad under the orders of one of the doctors there..so that he can open up.  Now the father left their family when he was young.  His father taught him how to play basketball and stuff and he'd always play a game of basketball with his dad, but it seems like his father must have fell in love with his work and the two parents split up..blah blah blah.  So, he was there and after some scenes, his father said to him (before answering the phone..) "You should express your thoughts as they are." "If you pretend that you can't hear your own voice inside you..sooner or later you really won't be able to hear it anymore." Well..this is my theme for today....I'm sorta...confused with myself at the moment and needed to get this down.  Then I'll handle it accordingly by myself...You see, I was talking to a friend of mine on yahoo messenger about helping people and stuff...and she said "you can only do so much though bry... can only lead the horse to water :P " and I knew she was right.  Everyone cannot be helped.  So I "Hahaha'd" and said " Man I just want people to be happy :D, as sappy as it sounds lol".  I mean..this is my personality....it's not that I don't have the ability to become angry or sad or whatever....but I literally fell in love with the ignorance of smiles...and that's what I want to see...a bunch of smiles, but I this girl said something to me that...really made me quiet.  No it wasn't anything mean or harsh but she said, "i know, that's just how you are" "eventually you're going to have to take care of you, you know" ............My carefree smile quickly went away.  She logged off because she got disconnected but I Was pretty disconnected the whole day...the odd thing was..I don't know why! I mean..I still give advice to people to buck up and love life ya know...and I don't have the thoughts of allowing myself to be a stepping stone for people to rise above me.  No...not at all..I'm way past that point...but why did that statement affect me so hard that it threw me off my game.  I felt so foolish..but I know she didn't say it to hurt me or anything so of course I'm not blaming anyone or anything.  It's been gnawing at me in the back of my mind but I don't really want to tell anyone.  Tired of sounding like a whiner, ya know. ...I'll figure out what she meant one day without asking her.... Oh yeah..uh..new family developments have happened...not really worth mentioning as they aren't important but I know about them so..I'll mention them later...as for right now...I guess I'll linger around a bit. Current Mood: Lingerish (Comment on this)
Saturday, September 27th, 2008
10:38 pm	Urya! ...don't know how to start off lol. Been so slack in my blog entries...my thoughts are so scattered. Anyway, I suppose I'll try to sort out any and everything in my head... I been meaning to blog about this but never got the patience to actually do it. You see, one night I was sitting here at my computer and I was listening to some hyped up music...You know...music that gives you the warm, fuzzy, and invincible feelings (in my case it's dancehall reggae and/or soca music.) Anyway I was really burning with energy...Anyway, I rested my arms on the side of my chair because I was typing something..I forget now and all of a sudden there was a cold embrace on my right arm. It didn't feel icy cold but it was like an..annoying cold. I ignored it for the most part but as I got into some good rythyms and vibes...all of that energy began to feel like it was being sucked out of my right arm. So, I tried to look and see if something was wrong with my arm and there wasn't anything wrong. My arm was very warm and the temperature was comfortable. However, that chill stayed between the lower half of my forearm, to my elbow, to the other part of my arm. All of that warm and fuzzy feeling was being sucked dry. And I don't know how I gained the ability to control that feeling (Must have been too much dragonball Z lol.) but I was purposely giving myself the "Fuzzies"..seeming like something was actually feeding off of me. When I calmed down, the chill went away and I went to ask my mom about it and she said a ghost must have been near you. Perhaps she was right..who knows....It wouldn't be the first time something strange has actually happened in my life...and those who know me know that if I say something is very very strange, then you have to believe it as I am strange myself. Ah well..I hope whatever was around me was happy. I enjoyed it's interesting company haha. Hmm..what else...Ah..Ever since this semester started, it's been implanted with couples a million. My God...Every corner I turn to go to a building, I can't help but see some random couple either hugging tenderly, kissing deeply for like..5 minutes, talking about love this and love that on the phone, conversations about boyfriends (only a few about girlfriends) and the so very often boyfriend and girlfriend holding hands with each other while taking up the whole side walk and going extremely slow. I don't know why I'm so irritated to see these people. It doesn't feel like it's any sort of jealousy or longing or something..It just irritates the hell out of me. Maybe I am jealous or something deep down...who knows..I sure don't. One thing is for certain..I'm tired of seeing it. Semester is so so, I like my classes...being slack a bit again..jobless but with money thanks to a federal stafford unsubbed loan..yeah I'm doing great. How about you? Not like it really matter how I'm doing lol. You ever figure people out like that? You say, "Hey, how are you doing? " and they say "I'm fine" You say, "That's good". USually out of respect the person asks how you are doing...sometimes this happens..sometimes it doesn't. Depends on the people I suppose. I do get the ones who don't ask or if they ask, they don't really care. I Was stuck with that before but I supposed I've moved on from that now anyway. But I guess this is all I came on to do..rant a bit. Even online I'm seeing couples left and right doing things together or having babies or whatever. It's interesting to read what they are saying and compare my dull and uninteresting life to their lives that are full of childish excitement. It's really amazing...Ah well. This will be another year full of schoolwork and money worries, and I know it's late but....banzai...kanpai...blah blah blah.. Oh speaking of japanese, I believe this is the most exciting class I've ever had. It just is! I don't know why. I always get at least one chuckle a day in that class. It feels really niec to actually laugh at something without faking it. This class is probably my best class of the semester along with Criminal courts and the history of African Americans in Columbia. The one other class I'm taking that I hate is the history of science and technology. I hate it so much.....to make matters worse, I have to petition for it to count as a lower level requirment for me to graduate. Can you believe this shit? IF I don't petition I have to count it as an elective....I HAVE MY ELECTIVES DONE ALREADY. *Sighs*........Got to make a letter stating my case and turn in a forum so that some piece of shit board will read my letter. I'm not the only student going through these troubles. In fact many other students, mostly history majors, are going through this shitty trouble.....yeah.. Oh yeah..I went into the history department where I used to work saw this guy there. (USED TO...I didn't ge tthe work study award for the first part of this semester but it seems like they gave it to me when I went to ask it) Now let me go back into history a bit. At the beginning of the year I saw a graduate student of the history department. He was telling me about his year and whatever so far and he told me about this big oaf who is there at the history department lol. He said that he went into the office with some books and was waiting for something. So you know..he had all his books in his hand because he was A) A teacher's assistant this year and B) A graduate student....duh--and he said the dude came up to the desk and was like, "So...you're a graduate student" As a result to make up for bored time, he asked this about three more times. The graduate student was really annoyed by the guy it seems lol. So I laughed and said that he couldn't be that bad. IT seems like I was wrong. He said it wasn't like we our group used to work there (YEAH CANDANCE, LEAH AND ME! WE ROCK MWAHAHAHA) because he said that we really turned it around and helped out...he said he doesn't even get that guy to help him anymore. He simply asks Theresa to help him out everytime he goes up there. I couldn't stop chuckling at the way he was saying it. Anyway, you got the history there. So I Went up to the office and saw this guy up there. Bev (for the sake of spelling it wrong) came out and said hey to me and all that good stuff...so I was in a good mood going in there. she was helping out a girl. Incidentally, the guy comes up to the desk and asks if he could help me and I ask him "Could I get my major program card?" He seemed confused and said, "Your what?" and I Said, "My major program card". At this point, I KNOW Theresa told him about the major program folder there under the desk. But I know theresa does forget to mention things once in a while, no matter how organized she is. So I tried to point him in the direction of the folder since I knew where it was and said, "It should be under this desk. Like a wide green looking file folder on the very bottom with some sealed evelopes in it." He looked at me like I didn't know what I was talking about and I said it again, except this time I was somewhat losing my patience. I ended up repeating the same thing about three or four times until Bev interupted and said, "It's that green folder right there at the bottom of the counter". Now the fucking counter has only two shelves on it..A top one and a bottom one. All he had to do was LOOK instead of looking at me like I Didn't know what the fuck I was talking about. I Was in there for a good 5 minutes when I Should have been in and out. Now this is where I noticed that I foolishly gave himt he benefit of the doubt. As soon as he picked it up, without looking at the folder first he asked, 'What's your name?" I WAS SO FUCKING PISSED OFF! That told me right there that I KNEW Theresa told him about it because he knew what to ask. unfuckingbelievable. I see why that graduate student told me that he wanted to deal directly with Theresa. Damn idiot! At least I wasn't THAT bad...Shit... Anyway lol..The other girl came in and she looked like she was alright. The graduate student said she was alright too...but I've been in that office about three times already and each time I looked at her, she had this angry looking face...kinda like this: I was so pissed off because her look at me was like saying, "Go away you annoying bastard". After that, I Was actually like this the second time she did it: and finally the last time I went to say hi to Theresa and turn a paper in and she did it again, I wanted to go over there and be like this. Yeah, I think she's looking for a fight...URRYAAAA!! Haha..I guess I need to just get some sleep...I better. Take it easy folks. That's pretty much it. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, September 20th, 2008
5:42 pm	Being bored Someone told me to write in my blog about being bored.  So..this is what I'm doing. ........................................................................................................................Being bored sucks.......................................................................................................I made a cheese and mayo sandwich.................................Bill collectors and unknown numbers along with telemarketers keep calling...............................................this sucks...*sighs and leaves..* (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, September 16th, 2008
11:12 am	This is why I love to watch politicians... Politicks rocks.  That is all. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wQK1al91drs Ever since Mrs. Palin came up for the Vice President Pick....there has been a lot of hypocrisy going on in the republican camp.  John Stewart has proven this. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 12th, 2008
2:13 am	Blogging because I was asked to. Well...a friend of mine (yes an online friend...Can you believe it?) asked me to blog about what I'm thinking...Well..I don't know what to blog about.  She's such an idiot..hehe.  Well, I promised to be honest tonight so I Will... Well..What can I blog about..  Hmm..I'm listening to quiet storm/slow jam type music and it's really talking to my blues at the moment.  Yep. Got those single blues again haha.  Oh well..they'll pass.  I am a little depressed on the inside and hiding it rather well.  Money makes you this way...  Classes are a week away and I don't have a single book yet.  This has happened to me befor...I went through a whole semester without books  and I don't wanna do that again.   Ahh what else.. Oh my advisor at school has had her baby! YAY!!!.  Too bad I may not see him.  Yep, it was a little boy.  She resigned from her job and decided to focus on her education.   She was a great advisor and was friendly as heck too.  She helped me a lot, as well as the other advisor in the history department.  Those two really cared.  I hope they find someone good to replace her.   Either way, I'll show her how much stronger I've become over this summer. The other small blog before was dealing with some drama with some online friends of mine...disregard it.  It was solved in the best way possible without any losses. I realized tonight that I still don't trust people.  I guess this stems from all of the years of being betrayed by friends and family, being publically embarased a lot, amongst other things.  Everyone else seems to have lived a perfect life or something.  Before the grown up time, I felt like  I was good enough to be a stepping stone.  I had no sense of self worth or anything.  I felt like I didn't deserve the best for anything.  Some of this self worthless "feeling" still lingers in my head.  IT lingers to the point where I enjoy being alone...to not be sucked into the drama that is involved with friendship or "relationships".  That was my thoughts that night...I just wanted to drop everyone because I was the bad guy that night...I wanted to hurt their feelings so bad.  I hated it.  I just wanted to push them on the escalator that rises above my shitty level.  IT certainly would have been easier that way..they would have risen to higher standards and people than me anyway..after all..I'm just a stepping stone. This is just a little bit of what I'm thinking about...anyway I'm done.. ....*sighs* there...I put down what I am thinking about. :P..'kay? :P (Comment on this)
Monday, July 28th, 2008
8:12 pm	... I want to do a blog so bad but I Don't think I'll be able to do one. (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 13th, 2008
9:44 am	Whew... I tell you, sometimes its a hassle to be single and introverted lol.  I feel much better today...Maybe because it IS a beautiful day.  Mostly cloudy...not so hot...and its 9 am in the morning.....Can't get any better than this...  I guess I'll sit back, listen to some soca and dancehall reggae music...and chillax.  I was listening to some R&B yesterday.....you know..Case...R.L..Deborah Cox...Luther!!!  Haha, even I have my single meltdown days :D.    Well thanks to two friends giving me some helpful advice...I Think I'll be alright :D.  They know who they are.  (1 Comment |Comment on this)